May 2 1970
This was a most terrible night. The night that XX and YY annouced the arrest of – and - .
I just felt like the end. I saw a vista of nothing stretching away and away into the distance. I kept hearing the castrated Oxonian voice of YY more or less gloating that things seemed to be under control……. I kept feeling that the soldiers had been double-crossed, something I felt would happen since they started negotiations……
The scene returned to me, and other things; like the death of a colleague which had taken place soon after our accident. For some time everything seemed totally unreal, a grey nightmare filled with pain. My friend rang up one of his superiors telling him he was going to resign. We all genuinely felt it, and even today, the resolution is still in my mind… Except that I know there is no place to go… I phoned my girl and told her… She accepted with a tired sort of calm, since she at the present moment preferred me to be out of Trinidad… and I phoned another friend who thought that it was a bloody good idea and decided to leave herself. She is leaving.
All of which demonstrates one thing… My generation is not going to put up with any shit… But more important, my generation is already in a terrible state of despair, and believes that all idealism will soon come to ashes… This is dangerous, and we have to watch it least our talents be lost to the reconstruction…
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